ramblings and reflections.

On October 15th I will turn 45.

I have never been one for big birthday celebrations and have not really put that much stock in age… my mother has always said “it’s just a number”  & the traditional milestones of 16,18, 21, 30…all came and went and I don’t really have any memory of what those days events were.

At 40 I was determined to mark the life I had lived with some sort of celebration, so I embarked on 40 for 40 –  40 days of things big and small to mark the occasion.  A concert, ice cream with a friend, a coffee date, a skype… all culminating in a dinner with some of the ladies that raised me ( mom C, mama Q, & aunt Helen ), my bestie from the age of 6 who is like my sister, a dear friend and my godson.  This celebration dinner I remember and will always cherish.  But now, here I am turning 45.

I have never married, or even come close.  I have never had children, being a mother wasn’t something I ever longed to be.  I don’t own a house… at the moment I am a bit of a nomad, and the largest purchase I have ever made besides health insurance is a car.  Single, never married and no children…not a homeowner, no college degree or 401K… by all accounts and expectations of the traditional life – I have failed miserably.

And yet, here I am… still standing.  For the most part I relish in my single, childless, freedom, the ability to go where the wind takes me…but I would not be human if I didn’t admit that I do have those moments where I look back and wonder what have I done with my life?

I have been an event designer and planner, planning and executing every last little detail of the most special days for weddings, anniversaries, engagements, birthdays, bar/bat mitzvahs and all kinds of social celebrations for the last 27 years…a little ironic, eh?

I have, and continue to live, a free spirited life with incredible friends, near and far, who have been through the toughest and most joyous times with me…I lead a life that is never boring and always filled with adventures, big and small… I have been involved in my communities, participated in the civic process, worked on campaigns and volunteered for numerous organizations.  I am a small business owner, entrepreneur, artist and designer who is passionate about the environment, and our oceans.  My luxury items if stranded on a desserted island would be seltzer and avocados…

Sometimes when you embark on a new path you get diverted…I expected this year to go very differently…I thought I would be settling in Alaska by my 45th birthday but my body had other ideas.

Hysterectomy.  On the last day of my 44th year I will check into the hospital….the lady parts have been causing a heck of a lot of trouble and it is time for them to go.  I look forward to the relief, to feeling whole and better and to life without a uterus.

I have had waves of varying emotions from feeling incredibly alone, sadness and even a little anger to relief, and looking forward to feeling better.  Although I never aspired to be a mother and have chosen the path less traveled in most situations, I wonder at times how I ended up here.. and then I take stock in my life and I am filled with overwhelming gratitude.  So to my uterus I say good riddens… we’ve been together for 44 years but it’s time we go our separate ways.

I have the best friend family a girl could dream of… they are incredible, and through all of this they have supported me, made me laugh when I felt like crying, been by my side when I felt so alone, sheltered me, fed me and reminded me that it takes a village… not just to raise children but to support and raise each other up.

We are all fighting a battle that no one knows about and one small random act of kindness could really make someone’s day.  Go out into the world and be kind.


p.s. Alaska, I will see you soon… it’s just taking a little longer to get there. 😉






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